Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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