Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
