What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
