so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
