Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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