All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
