I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
