Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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