So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
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