the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
