you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
