I cannot find my penis.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
