My friends, they love my intelligence
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
