You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
