I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
