Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
