Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
