i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
