I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
