I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
