You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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