My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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