Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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