I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
