Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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