You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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