just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
