Cold hands, warm shart.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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