Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
