I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
