I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
