it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
