paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
