I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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