I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
