ugly people sure do ruin things
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
