Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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