Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
