If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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