i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
