Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
