I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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