There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
