the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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