So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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