we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
