glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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