i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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