a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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