His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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