very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Did I show you my penis last night?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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